I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
