he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
