do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize