Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
