Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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