walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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