Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
