I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize