Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
We're too hungover to prance.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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