and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
jump out the window naked night went bad
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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