Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
