Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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