Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
