she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
