the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
