I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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