I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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