Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
