the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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