i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
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