My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
