this beer tastes like vomit already
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
