saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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