So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I have fence marks all over my body
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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