All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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