Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize