that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
