barbara walters just said penis...
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
