Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
