I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
