just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
