Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
