Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
