Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
