Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
