census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
