Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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