Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
