My sheets look like a crime scene.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Randomize
