My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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