the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
it glows. i had to have it.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
