I feel great
I just peed on a car
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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