Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
