I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
