I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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