I am spending my child support on dildos
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
They took my balls.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
