my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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