i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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