you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
