I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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