Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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