Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
