I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
