I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I have post one night stand depression
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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