at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
