Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
