So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
