I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize