If i come over, it means nothing
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
