Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
