Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
