I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
our cab driver is having phone sex.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
