You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Two words: nipple clamps
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