some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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